A Wounded Healer

The last few weeks have been some of the hardest, as well as some of the best weeks of my life. I found myself having many doors open to me for things that have laid on my heart for years, starting to work at a theatre I love, and becoming more involved with a project here in Germany and one globally that stirs my soul with great passion. However I found simultaneously as doors for my future were opening up, heavy doors from my past started to open up and haunt me with memories I buried deep in my subconscious. This distorted present reality had me unable to cope with everything I saw heading forward as I was being pulled back by demons I had thought were long forgotten. How could I cope in the now and be present when from both sides I was left unable to move?

This blog started just before my trip to India, and my reasoning behind starting it remains the same today, but all that has happened since starting it our things that I never could anticipate. My goodness, I have been blessed with opportunities that I still feel undeserving of, but am excited to take. I work with more kids now than ever at a job that only started a year ago, what a blessing to grow and learn in this position. Through this job, I met my director and head from the theatre who sat and did one of my classes, what a blessing. India opened a door to join arms with an organisation that allows me to create a therapy program for children in India, Brazil, and Ethiopia with the purpose of equipping them with their unique voice, what a blessing. I have found myself deeply invested in a project in Frankfurt working in the red light district to spread love and hope to women, what a blessing!

"What a blessing" is the only phrase I could find my mind telling me to feel, but it never seemed to quite reach my heart. Instead, I found myself slipping deeper into the worst anxiety and fear that I had felt since I was fourteen. Being tormented by a past I had thought already was part of my testimony and narrative. My war which I had conquered turned out to be one battle of many still clearly awaiting me.

Part of me wants to share all the incredible things that wait in the near future with travelling and continuing with the work I was called to do where I live and the places where I go. Because those are wonderful experiences where I am learning as I go. But on the other hand, my personal battles are ones that I cannot ignore and cannot seem to hide if want to share all the "blessings" on this journey. How do I balance it? How can I be broken, but helping the broken? How can I be wounded, but help others heal? How can I feel hopeless, but still be filled with such hope?

Honestly, I don't have any answers to any of these questions right now, but I am willing to take you along. There are really high HIGHS and really low lows, contradicting and fighting with each other constantly. It can be tiring. Tired in every aspect of the word. I do not know how to fight and conquer my past and still be left with enough strength to stride towards my future.

Breathe. Just one breath in and out. Move. Move one step at a time. Rest. Find Rest in the presence of today. That is all I have the strength to do right now.

Navigating this all is enthralling and terrifying, and I commit again to put those thoughts out there. I want to be real, through the true pain will come true healing for me, and my brokenness in that process only allows more love to pour along the way. Care to join?