Life is Funny
I have finally brought myself to sit at my keyboard again and attempt to put words to the thoughts that have been occupying my mind. It is not as easy as it would seem to place one's soul on a platform for public viewing and possible scrutiny. I have never had much issue with being an open person, besides often if I do not tell you straight up, my face would probably tell you before I would be able to conceal what I am feeling. I try to stay as true and authentic with everyone I cross path with, and generally feel quite rooted in the joyful perspective I try to live by. However, this openness and friendliness are very often misinterpreted to seem as if I have no inner demons I am dealing with, or that the moment I am a little "off" that I am suddenly bombarded with all too many questions about me having an off day or feeling bad. Sometimes (or rather all time) there are what feels to be a million thoughts circulating my mind, good and bad, decisions to be made, deadlines coming up, and so on. I am nearly always aware of them. This can be extremely tiring, and I seem to be unable to put them to rest unless I am working or busy, which at the end of the day it can serve sometimes only as a distraction to dealing with or sometimes rather just letting things go. Being busy is also something I have never had an issue with, but what has become a problem is sleep and my thoughts. When I do not have the time in the day to work through my thoughts, they will most likely come up at night and make sure I receive not shut-eye at all.
Life is funny, and I find myself in a very similar place to where I was the last time I sat and wrote a blog post in November. This new year has brought such joy. There are many parts where I am so overwhelmed by happiness with how things are finally falling into place. That I have finally taken action on big hopes and dreams, just by taking small steps forward. These little steps may seem really small to others, but for me, they are incredible victories. These little victories are huge battles that I have probably been carrying with me for days, weeks, or even months. Each time I wonder why it had taken so long to do it since nearly every time it swept me over with a feeling of excitement and relief. Two years down the line in Frankfurt and I found myself finally feeling secure in many areas of my life: work wise, relationship wise, financially, and so on. I just reached this milestone a week ago.
I didn't end up celebrating my two years as planned. I instead was in bed with debilitating pain and a lost voice. I scored myself a throat infection and found I had minor stomach ulcers due to stress, yay me... According to my doctor, I should have come to her much earlier, around the time I last wrote a post (haha, see, life is funny). So I am somewhat in check, but haven't really responded to those signs my own body has been giving me. It is always a very humbling experience when you are not able to just power through because your body just screams "STOP!"
I must add that this sickness followed one of the worst panic attacks I have had in months, leaving me feeling like I had been hit by a bus. Which also followed me having just shared with my friends that morning that I was feeling less stressed and things were having positive momentum. Life's humour is a bit too much sometimes.
A simple week later and I have had much time to reflect again on all these things. The battles and victories, the "why" behind them. I know that some people find the whole celebrating of dates or anniversaries super silly, but for me, they are important to remind me how far I have come. I can remember the day I arrived in Frankfurt as clear as when I experienced it. Overwhelmed, hungry, trying to manage my three suitcases of all my belongings that I had brought to start my new life. The fear of the unknown, which at that moment was just finding my correct train and navigating the new public transport system with said three bags. I was scared. What the heck was I doing?
At that moment I had no idea where I would be two years later, I certainly didn't have this in mind. But I cannot be more grateful for where I am, stomach ulcers and all. Still trying to figure out that whole balance thing though, past and present, battles and victories, productivity and rest, it is not easy. I will get there.
For today I want to focus on gratitude. I want to thank each person who has supported my trips to India, Ethiopia, and Brazil, in whatever form. I am grateful that I will be able to hug my mommy after a year in just a few hours. I am grateful to know that this isn't a hopeless story. I will get there.
Life is funny, and I find myself in a very similar place to where I was the last time I sat and wrote a blog post in November. This new year has brought such joy. There are many parts where I am so overwhelmed by happiness with how things are finally falling into place. That I have finally taken action on big hopes and dreams, just by taking small steps forward. These little steps may seem really small to others, but for me, they are incredible victories. These little victories are huge battles that I have probably been carrying with me for days, weeks, or even months. Each time I wonder why it had taken so long to do it since nearly every time it swept me over with a feeling of excitement and relief. Two years down the line in Frankfurt and I found myself finally feeling secure in many areas of my life: work wise, relationship wise, financially, and so on. I just reached this milestone a week ago.
I didn't end up celebrating my two years as planned. I instead was in bed with debilitating pain and a lost voice. I scored myself a throat infection and found I had minor stomach ulcers due to stress, yay me... According to my doctor, I should have come to her much earlier, around the time I last wrote a post (haha, see, life is funny). So I am somewhat in check, but haven't really responded to those signs my own body has been giving me. It is always a very humbling experience when you are not able to just power through because your body just screams "STOP!"
I must add that this sickness followed one of the worst panic attacks I have had in months, leaving me feeling like I had been hit by a bus. Which also followed me having just shared with my friends that morning that I was feeling less stressed and things were having positive momentum. Life's humour is a bit too much sometimes.
A simple week later and I have had much time to reflect again on all these things. The battles and victories, the "why" behind them. I know that some people find the whole celebrating of dates or anniversaries super silly, but for me, they are important to remind me how far I have come. I can remember the day I arrived in Frankfurt as clear as when I experienced it. Overwhelmed, hungry, trying to manage my three suitcases of all my belongings that I had brought to start my new life. The fear of the unknown, which at that moment was just finding my correct train and navigating the new public transport system with said three bags. I was scared. What the heck was I doing?
At that moment I had no idea where I would be two years later, I certainly didn't have this in mind. But I cannot be more grateful for where I am, stomach ulcers and all. Still trying to figure out that whole balance thing though, past and present, battles and victories, productivity and rest, it is not easy. I will get there.
For today I want to focus on gratitude. I want to thank each person who has supported my trips to India, Ethiopia, and Brazil, in whatever form. I am grateful that I will be able to hug my mommy after a year in just a few hours. I am grateful to know that this isn't a hopeless story. I will get there.
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